L is two-years-old now, and it’s like he received a text message on the night of his second birthday: Time to be terrible! Literally the next morning, his tantrums escalated from the occasional, short bursts of frustration that marked the past few months, to long, frequent, very loud, full-blown screeching, in the morning, the afternoon, bed time, any time. The craziest things set him off, completely nonsensical to us but SO REAL to him, and then, as quickly as he goes off, he comes back. “All done crying now,” he said the other day, quite calmly despite the fact his little neck vein was still taut and his face still red and tear-streaked from screaming only seconds earlier.

But, the other side of being a terrible two is all the amazing developmental leaps. He helps with the chores (like, actually helps), talks nonstop, recognizes letters and numbers, even pranks us (seriously – he hides our keys! – which is funny when it happens to Dave but not so funny when it happens to me). We’ve got an actual boy on our hands who does all the things an actual boy should be doing, and that’s a good exciting thing.

At least this is what I tell myself. And, as you probably guessed, it doesn’t provide much comfort in the middle of an outburst. So here I am, blogging about the ridiculousness of toddlerhood so that we can all laugh at Lew’s expense and thus make me feel better about having made the decision to create a sweet, beautiful baby that turned into a Jekyll and Hyde toddler monster.

Mr. Hyde: Top Ten Reasons Why L Was VERY ANGRY This Week

10. He ate all of the blueberries in one sitting – literally the whole pint. When I said that we’d go to the store later to buy more, he lost it. “Noooo, I want Mama go buy bluebeggies NOW!”

9. The dog walked into the room and sat on her bed. The bed that was way across the room from where Lew was playing. The bed that Lew has never expressed interest in before or since.

8. I gave him banana/milk/water/puzzle when he asked for it. (This happens so often with so many things, and it drives me crazy).

7. We went to the park instead of riding the subway to nowhere.

6. I took a sip of my coffee.

5. After watching 28 videos of sea lions, YouTube loaded a dolphin video. “NO! I WANT SEAYIYON!”

4. I refused to eat the soggy, chewed-up piece of rice cracker he’d taken out of his mouth and thrust in my face.

3. He got cream cheese on his finger while eating a bagel. (This one was particularly pathetic because it happened every time he took a bite until he finally finished the bagel, which was a feat considering the amount of screaming/crying/tears/snot.)

2. I sang “pat your head” instead of “nod your head” during If You’re Happy and You Know It.

1. I took off his poopy pants and suggested that he put on pajamas. “NO JAMAS! I want sleep pants wit poop!”

Dr. Jekyll: Conversations With L

Cuddling in his bed on the night of his zoo birthday party where we spent over 45 minutes watching sea lions.

L: SEAYIYONS!
Me: Yeah, we saw sea lions at the zoo today.
L: Mama, seayiyons go poop.
Me: Yep, sea lions poop.
L: Seayiyons go poop make mess.
Me: I guess?
L: Poop on floor.
Me: A lot of animals poop on the ground, it’s true.
L: MAMA!
Me: What?
L: SEAYIYONS GO POOP IN AGUA!
Me: Yes, I suppose they do.
L: No no no, Mama! Seayiyons go poop make mess in agua!
Me: Oh, it’s okay. There are zookeepers, the people who work at the zoo, who take care of the sea lions and clean up their water.
L: People clean up mess agua.
Me: Yep, they clean it up.
Lew: SEAYIYONS GO POOP AGUA MAKE MESS CLEAN UP PEOPLE POOP SEAYIYONS MESS AGUA CLEAN UP SEAYIYONS –
Me: L.
L: Mama.
Me: It’s time to go night night.
L: Okay. Night night.
Me: Night night, my love.

Six seconds later

L: Mama?
Me: What, dear.
L: Monkeys!
Me: No honey, it’s night night.
L: Mama, monkeys!
Me: Okay, fine, what about the monkeys?
L: Monkeys trees!
Me: Yes, monkeys live in trees.
L: Monkeys go poop in trees!
Me: Probably some of them do.
L: Monkeys poop trees.
Me: I’m so glad you had fun today. Happy birthday, baby.
L: Lewis birfday.
Me: Yep. And now, it’s time to go night night.
L: Time go night night.
Me: You got it. I love you, honey.
L: I wub oo.
Me: I love you!
L: I wub oo!
Me: You’re the best.
L: Monkeys go poop trees!
Me: Okay. I’m gonna get up now and give you a kiss and you’re gonna go night night by yourself, okay?
L: Okay! Night night, Mama.
Me: Night night.

I give him a kiss, walk halfway across the room.

L: SEAYIYONS!
Me:
L: Mama, seayiyons!
Me: Goodnight, Lewis.

I leave the room and close the door.

L: Seayiyons! In the agua!