breastfeeding

Two-Kid Full / Two-Kid Tired

Ever since I was little, I knew I wanted to have two kids. It was just one of those things; I wasn’t going to be fully satisfied until it happened. And now I have them, and they’re amazing, and I am so full of love that my heart explodes a little every day.

But holy shit I am also so exhausted. Like, layers upon layers of exhausted. My head hurts. My eyes are sticky. My muscles are sore, and not from the core-strengthening and cardio my body craves, but instead from the repetitive use of the few muscles it takes to hold a 15-pound creature in the exact same position every day, to the point that my bicep now clicks and my lower back tingles. Throw in the neck aches from breastfeeding and the torturous routine of sleeping in three- to four-hour spurts, and I am wrecked. Yet I still have to perform at work. I still have the unignorable urge to write and sing and create new music. I still want (need!) to be a regular person who does things like go out with friends, have sex, and watch Netflix without passing out immediately.

I know it will change. I know it will get easier. I know I will one day look back and think of how quickly it all went by. It already feels fleeting, like time just passes through me and constantly catches me off guard.

And yes, I am very much enjoying the squishy cheeks and squeezy thighs, the sweet cuddles and easy giggles, my four-year-old’s sense of humor and his passion for dinosaurs. I am especially enjoying my two kids together – witnessing the love they already share is one the best experiences of my life, and I get to have this experience on a daily basis.

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But despite this, it also feels like I will never feel rested ever again. Like my body will always hurt, my mind will always be foggy with exhaustion, my life will always be centered around children and their needs. I am content, but also, it sucks sometimes. So just let me be in it, let me whine, let me wallow a little, or else my easily-accessed hormonal anger will flare up and I’ll say something I won’t have the energy to regret.

*****

P.S. I have no idea who created that hilarious and accurate meme, but if you do, please leave the source in the comments.

P.P.S. There is so much spit-up. Just so much of it.

My Essay on Postpartum Madness in Mutha Mag + LitCrawl NYC This Saturday, Oct 1st!

IMG_2395.JPGTwo exciting pieces of news to share!

First, my essay on nursing/weaning/postpartum insanity is up now at Mutha Magazine. Spoiler alert: I talk a lot about my vagina. Why? Because too many women feel ashamed and embarrassed about their bodies and as a result do not talk about their experiences, which is totally insane because our bodies are amazing and we need to support one another through sharing our stories. Please enjoy, share with all the prospective and current parents you know (yes, dads, too), and may my experience reach someone who needs to hear it.

Secondly, Mutha Magazine, Pen Parentis, and The Brooklyn Players Reading Society are teaming up to co-host an awesome LitCrawl NYC event this Saturday, October 1st at Sidewalk Cafe at 6pm. The line-up features diverse perspectives on keeping it real with kids, with readings by Emily Gould, Mira Jacob and Jade Sanchez-Ventura, and cartoonists Emily Flake Pastore and Lisa Lim screening comics live. This is your opportunity to get in on all the dirty secrets of muthahood you ever/never wanted to know.

LitCrawl NYC is an annual event organized by PEN America and includes way more readings than just ours, all night long and all across the Lower East Side, FOR FREE. So, I’ll see you there.

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