Your Sister’s Ghost

It is 6:30 pm, Father’s Day is tomorrow, and we have nothing ready for your dad. To be honest, I was relying on your daycare teachers – for Mother’s Day, they helped you make this adorable and extensive art project that I completely love – but it seems like they don’t feel the same about dads. Your dad is a particularly chill one and not into fake holidays, but still, we have to do something. Or rather, you have to do something – I have to cook dinner.

“Why don’t you draw a picture of MommyDaddyLewis for Daddy’s special day tomorrow?” I suggest.

You run with this idea, literally, straight to your art table where you pull out a piece of blue paper and some markers. I wait until you’re settled then return to the kitchen to boil water for pasta.

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A few minutes later, I walk back in and glance at the three figures you’ve drawn in the middle of the page. I’m impressed; they’re the most detailed, complete images you’ve ever made, and I’m ready to burst forth in motherly praise. But before I say anything, you start drawing another figure in the top left corner, smaller than the rest of us and clearly separate. Without prompting or even a word from me, you say, “That’s my sister.”

“What?” I reply, taken aback.

“My sister.”

“Your sister?”

“Yes.”

I am stunned. We haven’t talked about Baby Wow since right after I lost her six months ago now. We actually haven’t talked about siblings at all since then. While her recent due date certainly triggered many things inside of me, I’ve been very careful not to mention this around you. In fact, I never even told you she was a girl. I first shared with you that I was pregnant when she was eleven weeks in utero, but then had to tell you just one week later that she wouldn’t be born. You were sad, but only for a couple of days. By the time the genetic test results came back and we’d learned her gender, you were long over it.

Thinking back to those days surrounding the procedure still hurts. But I have to put my own emotions aside so that I can be present and explore this moment with you. I don’t want to put words in your mouth or sway your thoughts in any way, so I decide to begin with, “Do you have a sister?”

“Yes,” you reply in the same intonation as an older kid might say, Duh.

“Okay. Where is she?”

“Here,” you say, tapping your drawing of her.

“I see. So do you have a sister for real, or just in the picture?”

Seriously and without hesitation, you say, “For real.”

“In real life, or just pretend?”

“In real life, Mommy.” I can sense the annoyance seeping into your voice, but I decide to push on just a little more.

“Okay, where is she for real?” 

“Mommy, she’s right here,” you say, pointing to the air beside you.

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Writing While Mothering

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Lew and Nana sharing some morning tea in Massachusetts.

I am alone this weekend for a writing “retreat,” and while the mental and physical space is glorious, I miss my little bug.

It’s so strange how parenting never stops. How it’s all or nothing. How it simultaneously feeds you and feeds upon you. The act of finding balance is constant and crucial.

I’m lucky and grateful to have my in-laws. And I’m thrilled for the opportunity to once again dive into my stories and not resurface until I damn well please.

But also, I’ll be looking forward to those sweet texts with pictures of Lew, enjoying retired life with his grandparents, without me.

To all the mama writers out there – you got this.

It’s Voting Day, New Yorkers!

i votedToday is a big day. Your vote matters – be heard!

For those of you who share in my sentiments, I included a Progressive Cheat Sheet below. But whether you agree with me or not, GO VOTE!

If you aren’t sure where to vote, find your polling site by entering your address into this website.

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The BPRS @ Sunnyvale, TOMORROW, Tues the 11th w/Vassals, The Human Circuit, and Futurist!

Join us TOMORROW, Sept 11th, at 7:30 pm for some grooves and good times with friends at Sunnyvale (1031 Grand St Brooklyn – map here)!


The Human Circuit is an alt-pop, psych-rock band from Austin, Texas with catchy orchestral grooves ranging from the mystic vibes of David Bowie to the intricate arrangements of Arcade Fire.

Vassals is a Brooklyn-based band that embraces the loud/quiet dichotomy of the 90s through the lens of 60s rock and psychedelia.

Futurist is a 5-piece “psychedelic-pop, alternative/art rock” rocket ship launched in Brooklyn, NY, whose unique take on psychedelic rock, dance-able grooves, and earnest songwriting achieves a sound best described as “future-classic.” By virtue of experimentation, a multimedia vision, and an energetic delivery, Futurist creates a wall of sound that inspires and uplifts audiences with their own style and modern mythology.

And in case you don’t know us, duo The Brooklyn Players Reading Society explores the intersection between literature and rock-n-roll, channeling poet songwriters like Lou Reed, Tom Waits, and Laurie Anderson.

Get your tickets here!

Set Times:
8-835 Futurist
8:55-930 Vassals
9:50-10:25 The Human Circuit
10:45-11:20 The Brooklyn Players Reading Society

Doors at 7:30 / $10 / 21+. See yas!

The BPRS Live at Freddy’s, Saturday, July 21st at 9:15 pm!

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The Brooklyn Players Reading Society is thrilled to return to Freddy’s Bar and Backroom (627 5th Ave – map here) after a long live hiatus. Please join us for some tunes, poetry, snacks, and drinks from 9 pm onward – we’ll be spreadin’ the good vibes all night long!

No cover, 21+. RSVP here.

Families Belong Together: Ways to Help

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I, like most of you, am completely distraught and enraged over what’s happening at our border. I, too, am worried over the Supreme Court vacancy and angry about their recent rulings. Yet I have also found hope in the fact that so many Americans have put aside political and religious differences to come together and fight for human rights. Hundreds of thousands of us have already donated over twenty million dollarsOrganizations like RAICES have already reunited multiple familiesA number of prominent politicians, including Republicans, have publicly decried Trump’s policies. And Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez just beat 10-term Congressman Joe Crowley by a huge margin! As a result of this pressure, the Administration released an executive order ending family separation at the border only days after saying they would never do such a thing. Our efforts are working.

However, this executive order is nowhere near the end. Over 2,000 children have been separated from their parents and are now living in hospitals, warehouses, detention centers, and cages all over the country. And while ICE is no longer separating families at our borders, it is still their practice to separate families within our borders by detaining and deporting immigrants who have lived here, many legally, for years, even decades. It is also still their practice to imprison children, who have committed no crimes, and hold them indefinitely, alongside their families who have also committed no crimes.

Many people are saying, “This isn’t who we are, this isn’t America.” Others are saying, “This is exactly who we are, just look at our history.” While it is absolutely vital that we address our country’s history of genocide, slavery, lynching, and more (Truth and Reconciliation Commissions, anyone?), it is also absolutely vital that we hold on to the positive aspects of our identity. It’s easy to get lost in rage and feel like America is full of monsters, but this is only partly true; America is also full of helpers.

There are so many people and organizations working for these children, their parents, immigrants, women, the working class, and human rights in general. These organizations need our donations and our volunteering efforts right now. Our Senators and Representatives need to hear our voices. Even if you just have a few minutes on your lunch break, please be a helperEvery action matters.

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Below is a list of organizations to donate to and/or volunteer for, along with ways to stay updated. There are also country-wide #FamiliesBelongTogether demonstrations this Saturday, June 30th – click here to get involved, and sign the petition here.

Remember: being a helper requires taking action, but also taking care of yourself. Hug your kids. Enjoy a good meal with your mom. Tell your friends you love them. Find and spread your joy, even if – especially if – your joy feels impossible to find. We cannot let fear, anger, and hatred take over.

I am sending my love to you all. Stay strong, and keep paying your union dues.

WAYS TO HELP

Lunchtime for Change – Quick daily actions you can do from anywhere.

The New York Immigration Coalition – This fantastic organization helps immigrants apply for citizenship, provides free legal aid, organizes demonstrations, and more. You can donate here, and also join them in Foley Square on Saturday at 10 am to march across the Brooklyn Bridge for a demonstration in Cadman Plaza at 11:30 am. Text “NYIC” to 864237 to receive their updates. Follow them on Twitter and Facebook, too.

Make the Road New York – “Building power of Latinx and working class communities to achieve dignity and justice.” Follow them on Twitter and FacebookDonate here. Text “ROAD” to 52886 for action alerts.

Cayuga Center
 – 
This NY-based organization has taken in many children who were separated from their parents at the border. I know this is a little fraught because they receive government money in exchange for taking these kids, which feels like they’re a little in cahoots with the Administration, but at the same time, the kids are there. They aren’t currently accepting volunteers due to fingerprinting/background check requirements, but they do have an Amazon wish list created by the kids currently being held there.

RAICES – An excellent organization based on the Texas/Mexico border. You can donate as part of this fundraiserThey also have many great resources on their website for grassroots organizing.

Mamas Week of Action – Beautiful message with actions all week following June 30th’s protest.

The ACLU – Always doing amazing work tackling not just immigration but many other human rights issues. They always need financial support.

Abortion Funds – The truth is, even under Roe v Wade, many low-income and rural women do not have access to abortions even when they’re medically necessary. Abortion Funds picks these women up, takes them to providers, gives them support and after care, and more. They need our money. Donate here.

Planned Parenthood – Making sure women have access to affordable healthcare and birth control. They are constantly under threat. Support them here.

Images taken from Mamas Week of Action.

 

Bamboozled

Did you know that toothbrushes are immortal? Unlike human beings, plastic toothbrushes keep on living even underneath tons of pounds of garbage. They keep on living even inside the bellies of dead dolphins. They keep on living even as they float all the way across the ocean until they wash up on Taiwanese beaches. Then, they keep on living even after they’ve become sculptures in the sand.

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— ◊ —

The past six months have tried to end me. The life I once lived in which I wrote, mothered, taught, sang, performed, took politic action, and somehow also relaxed, has been shattered. Instead of making art, going out, or sleeping, I’ve learned firsthand about anencephaly, the gray area of sexual harassment, and municipal regulations on basement apartments. I’ve dealt with wild hormonal swings. I’ve worked my ass off for a job I was promised that ultimately didn’t exist, then found myself in an uncomfortable situation when I said no more. I’ve packed, moved, unpacked, re-packed, re-moved, and re-unpacked – all with a cat, two dogs, and a busy-bee toddler who recently dropped nap.

I’ve never felt this much rage before, and while it has cracked me open in important ways, it has also shaken me to my core. My mind has raced in circles. My muscles have morphed into a single knot of tension. And my anxiety, after eighteen years of treatment, has found a new way to express itself: my throat is clenched tight, leaving my voice strained and hoarse, my neck and teeth throbbing with each heartbeat.

— ◊ —

Did you know that bamboo is the fastest-growing plant in the word? It is also one of the sneakiest. Its roots can run underground for over twenty feet before popping up again as a new shoot, called a culm. These culms then grow up to three feet a day for the next 120 years, sending their own runners out to sprout in surprising, faraway places.

Three to five years after its initial sprouting, a culm can then be harvested and transformed into basically anything: food, medicine, toys, rugs, clothes, bikes, houses, roads, bridges. In fact, bamboo can withstand twice as much force as concrete, and can hold up to 16 tons of weight. It can also cure cancer.

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— ◊ —

Becoming a mom has turned my home into a plastic palace. I look around the living room of my new new apartment, a place I hope will last much longer than the three months we spent in our illegal new apartment, and identify eleven items that will never die.

The bathroom isn’t any better. Three toothbrushes stick out from inside a plastic cup. A plastic bin filled with plastic toys is propped precariously on the lip of the tub. I move it to the floor, out of sight, then run hot water for a bath, but as I soak my stress-induced hemorrhoids and eat the M&Ms intended to aid in my toddler’s potty regression, I can’t relax; plastic is still very much on my mind. Also on my mind: pregnant women who’ve been denied access to proper health care, immigrants who’ve been detained for going to work, animals whose homes have been destroyed by loggers. I lament my now inactive Quick Action email list, my abandoned blog, the phone calls to senators I never placed. The enormous task of surviving my day-to-day has been all consuming, and while the depths of my strength have truly amazed and buoyed me up, I also feel like a failure of an activist.

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— ◊ —

Did you know that toothbrush bristles were once made from boar hair? Of course they contained loads of unhealthy bacteria, not to mention the moral issue of how these pigs were treated before they became tooth-brushing tools, yet, because animal hair is biodegradable and nylon is not, this is the only completely decomposable option presented thus far.

There are scientists out there who have dedicated their entire careers toward dissecting the greater impact of a single bristle. I think of these people doing this work, and I feel the knot inside of me loosen a little.

— ◊ —

I’ve always approached my activism from the angle of who needs it the most, but for the first time, I’m now approaching it from the angle of what I can most reasonably do. I am not ready to jump back into the strict schedule that once worked for me, and perhaps I never will be, perhaps that life wasn’t sustainable with or without my recent crises. But either way, here I am, dealing with effects of events that, though they’ve calmed, are still very much present: an unfulfilled due date, a static career and lingering sense of violation, an unresolved case with the Department of Buildings.

I will never solve all of the world’s problems. I will never even solve all of my own problems. But as I hold my recently purchased bamboo toothbrush and move its brand new form of bristles around my teeth, I realize, I don’t have to.

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— ◊ —

You can buy your own set of bamboo toothbrushes by clicking here. And if you need some more motivation to start the long process of giving up plastic, check out Margaret Atwood’s compelling piece in the Guardian.

Sources:
Encyclopedia Britannica: Bamboo
Bamboo Facts
Bamboo Herb
Brush with Bamboo
The Bamboo Solution
15 Creative Uses of Bamboo

Photo Credits:
1. Flotsam and Jetsam by F Delventhal
2. Bamboo by Serlunar